Put Me On The Bachelor

As of I began typing this (no idea when I will publish), in 678 days I will be 21. Blah, blah cheers to being the legal drinking age. I don’t care. That isn’t the important part. The importance of my 21st birthday: Applying for ABC’s hit reality tv show The Bachelor. Do I watch the show? Sometimes. Do I like any of the contestants? That’s questionable. Would I throw everything down the drain and send my life off the rails into an abyss for the opportunity of achieving this goal? Absolutely.

My first encounter with The Bachelor wasn’t even the show. Around 5th grade I found myself spiraling into The Selection trilogy written by Kiera Cass. I ATE that up. Partially because the lead was a fellow ginger, however, the drama was what reeled me in. Boyfriend breaks up with her before in a competition to marry THE PRINCE??!!! Oh my god. The financial need to stay, the conflict of family, the catty fights with other girls. I. was. obsessed.

And so, my growing love towards 30+ hot women fighting for one mediocre man began. The first time I REALLY watched an episode of the bachelor was the 2008 season that was uploaded unto Netflix for some time. And ohhhhhhhhhh did I eat it up. First off, the camping? A NIGHT IN A TENT WITH ONE GIRL? OH? Phenomenal. Fantastic. And the catty lacrosse coach. God. Delicious drama.

Like any teen girl that has a hankering for the dramatic flare, I gave the most recent round of the bachelorette a watch. Hannah Brown. And ya know what, John Paul Jones really is what made me stick with the first few episodes. This is also how I learned that the next bachelor is picked based off a fan favorite from the previous season. So, when “Pilot Pete” started airing, naturally I followed along. Now while I found some of the tears irrking, it was during a certain event from oh dear sweet Pete’s season that sparked this long-formulating plan.

Champagne-Gate. For those who are lucky enough to avoid the pit known as reality TV, this was a LEGENDARY event. And by legendary, I mean it was a grown woman sobbing like a toddler just put in time-out. To break it down: Blondie brings nice bottle of champagne. Says something like “This is an expensive bottle I’ve been saving for years! gonna use it on him”. Tragic spoiler: she doesn’t. Brunette gal pulls up, she goes “bottle of champagne?! right here?! Wow! Let’s drink”. Brunette and Petey drink the champagne. Blondie finds out. Rage, drama, bitchiness, all ensue. And it was painful to watch. I’m talking 2015 “try not to laugh” level painful.

HOWEVER! Like many mindless viewers, I endured, and I learned. And oh am I glad I did. Shortly after to comfort poor mindless blondie, the bachelor gets a bottle of, albeit, much cheaper champagne. And well…..



She also became a fan hated and than favorite later? I’m not sure but if I remember right she made top 4 so cheers girlie.

To my main point. This was the deciding factor.

I’m gonna do it. I want to be on the bachelor.

And. When I do make it, oh I’m gonna WIN.

Here is the game plan:

  1. I come in ready to go and memorable. I am in a spotify green dress, except I make it look sexy, he is wowed. The viewers are wowed. The other girls are green (hah) with envy. I make some flashy, funny, a bit flirty comment. He is speechless. Impressed by my perfection. I get the first impression rose.
  2. The other girls, they got beef with me. But I’m not a villain archetype. HOWEVR the season villain does peg me at the pool. She makes a comment about my swimsuit. Oh it’s go-time. We argue, I stay mature and win the hearts of the viewers. She gets upset and spills wine on me in the pool. It’s an event. One of us is crying.
  3. Time-skip it’s a group date and we’re at about…..18 contestants now. We’re at the zoo and a kid (that I paid in private before this) “accidently” looks to far into the penguin enclosure. I save the kid from smelling like dead fish and a few painful pecks. Everyone claps. He is again wowed, and the girls are again dazed by my bravery. I get the rose for the group date later that evening over a glass of chardonnay.
  4. More time skip…blah blah I argue again with the villain, she threatens me, I tell the man, other girls back me up, she leaves in tears the next rose ceremony. Now it’s the week before home-town dates and everyone is scared. Who will stay? Not me. Someone, a dear friend (a stranger I paid), has been hospitalized and I MUST come and aid them to health. I step down from the competition.
  5. After this at the “Women Tell All” I announce my friend is doing better and I wish to have another chance at love. I am announced as the next bachelorette. Everyone cheers.

Nothing can go wrong, right? Well, that’s the hope. Now will my season of the bachelorette be enjoyable? Eh. But I love the idea of several people fighting for my love so I will gladly partake in the show.

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