I still apply my highlighter the way my best friend when I was 15 taught me. I still keep people on my Instagram close friends that I haven’t spoken to in almost 5 years. I still have handmade stickers one of my best friends made me back in 8th grade with our horrible cringe humor saved for just in case I’m ready to use them. I still pull the baby hairs out of my ponytail because the first girl I had a crush on complimented me once for it. And now I wear my college best friend/roommates pinecone necklace everyday in trade for a locket I wore the past 7 months.

Something so wonderful about having the opportunity to meet and cherish so many people is choosing what to do when they exit your life. The girl who taught me how to wear my highlighter spread a rumor that year I was pregnant, despite the fact I had yet to even have my first kiss, let alone sex. While I cried for days over loosing someone who lied so easily about me, I now appreciate the time I had as her friend. While she hurt me deeply in the moment, and I had spent the summer recovering and coping when I saw her in person, I still applied my makeup the way she taught me. I still dabbed my eyeshadow and blinked on mascara for my lower lashes. I held so much bitterness and resentment over her actions for so long. Sometimes I still do. Yet, right now while typing I’m thinking of our matching Halloween costumes and the time I threw up over the side of her boat and can’t help but smile.

The first time I had ever made an acknowledge that I was officially removing somebody from my life was the 6th grade. She was my best friend since diapers and we knew each other better then anything else. Our friendship ended when I had grown sick of lack of effort on a project and her cruel email to another girl in our class. I was so afraid of having her leave though. I had yet to ever intentionally cut somebody out of my life and I learned how painful final goodbyes are. What’s ironic though, is that most often the final goodbye isn’t the last like you think it is in the moment. Last summer I ran into her and her mother at an ice cream shop and despite all the clear tension I learned about her life in college and was genuinely very happy for her. I detested her for so long before remembering why should I choose to stick on her cruelty if she’s not with me, when I can cherish the girl who taught me to climb a tree.

No matter how much I hated the cruel actions of those in my past, I choose to love everyday. I want to love those I currently have in my life, even if one day I say my final goodbyes. My heart bursts every single time I speak to somebody who was once in my life but returns because any excuse to remember why they were there is enough to enjoy the company. For example, recently I’ve been going through a rather hard break-up. Which, albeit is what’s pushing me to write this and reflect on all the people who’s fingerprints are on my soul. One girl I haven’t spoken to since spring of freshman year of college, reached out and made plans with me in May already upon learning. Which is why despite the sad, emptiness I feel now, I’ve rationalized I’m okay with seeing my ex again as just that. Two people who loved each other. And I will likely always love her, just so different then I have the past year and a half. She taught me what love feels like, romance, intimacy, companionship. She taught me how to be hopeful for the future and to navigate being with somebody with a different lifestyle and habits then my own. She will always be my first love, who I teased for how they washed dishes, who bought me so many gifts, who I had written dozens of love letters for. And while I don’t know the future, my own or hers, I want them to love new things even if it isn’t me. I want the bits and pieces she gathered from me to bring her joy later in life.

While I am still hurting, and reeling from emotional turmoil, I am still loving. I still love every memory, kiss, and touch. I still love every laugh, tear shed, and gift. Even if the future I wanted more then nothing else for so long is something I now must move on from, I still love that she had given me the chance to believe we could have had such a future. Maybe we can still, maybe not. No future is set in stone something in which I must accept because I struggle with the idea of nothing being permanent. I love stability and logic despite being a creative person. I crave reasoning and closure for aspects beyond my control. Which is what makes emotions, such as heartbreak so hard. I’ve cried in some form everyday since the break-up and can’t help but wonder if she’s grieving too. When will the emotions stop and instead of grief all I have left is old love.

And I can’t put a timeline on grief. It might be fully over and come back later on and that’s part of what’s so beautiful about emotions. Tears swell when I think about the girl who bullied my appearance in high school, yet I consider how she still would push to make me start on our Lacrosse team because she knew I was a good player. Guilt fills my stomach when I think of the poor guy who I rejected so cruelly during covid who lost his friends because of me. Yet, I appreciate the stupid gifts he sent me over animal crossing. Even if I think I am some hero, some kind girl, for choosing to consider love in the face of hurt, I know I am somebody’s villain. Although I have been able to select appreciation for love I can’t help but feel upset knowing that these people likely don’t view me in the same gentle way.

Which, is why when distance happens, or things end, if it was never mean I leave it be. Last year around this time, me and close friend had a mutual falling out with the same person. While she decided to block them on everything, I sent one last message to thank them for their friendship and that I am always willing to talk for more closure. I didn’t block them on all platforms, so if times change and they want to become friends again they can still access me. And to this day, they still haven’t blocked me, only the platforms I chose to be separated from are the ones that are gone. I was wounded over their refusal to talk, but I selected my own closure on the friendship. That closure was enough for me to grieve the loss before being fond of the memories. Which is exactly how I am choosing to view the current heartbreak I have. I don’t want her fully out of my life forever. Even if right now the idea of seeing her face makes me feel sick, I still would love to one day see her succeeded in the ways I know they will. Even if right now I contemplate so many things while crying frequently, I’m so so glad she was apart of the majority of my college experience. So, I select to not block out of the fact I know my heartbreak will see through to just appreciation of our old love. And I so hope she is one day able to view things the same. When the wound isn’t so sharp I know I would love to discuss these emotions with her, regardless if either of us has fully moved on or in a relationship or not because I will always carry my old love even if it has to depart. Departure brings fear with the loss it creates, however, we can carry the bits and pieces fragmented behind as a reminder these people were here.

Thank you for being apart of my life. Every last one of you who have given me new habits, or hobbies or something else. And to anybody else who was once a bigger part of my life and may come across this, know that I love any memory we have together and perhaps one day we can create more.